I’ve learned something horrible about myself in the past couple of weeks. Something that actually shocked me because I consider myself a strong-willed, no-one-pushes-me-around person. Here is my awful secret….. I am run by guilt and I can’t say no.
I can’t believe I can’t say no.
Let me explain. I assumed that when my youngest hit grade one this year (YAY!), I would have all day to write and by mid-November I’d have my novel queried, my next one plotted and started. But for some reason that hasn’t happened. Instead, I’m still perfecting my query and I’ve barely chosen my next novel idea (a whole other blog post on that).
It seems that when a friend asks for a favour, whether it’s reading a screenplay, editing a story, helping move house, helping clean house, etc… I’m there. I also can’t seem to turn down my friends when asked to go for coffee, or meet for a drink. I definitely can’t turn down my family whether for meals or snacks, clothing for skiing, sewing a button on, christmas present shopping, coming for visits or especially their requests for time spent with me, to read stories, play badminton, go tobogganing, or cuddling on a couch while we watch TV. I also can’t turn down my husband’s requests to do the extra stuff around the house now that the kids are in school (I can’t believe I washed my walls this past weekend instead of writing).
I think to myself that life is short, I need to help out and I should do whatever with whoever because if I don’t then I might lose a friend or psychologically damage my kids or hurt my husband’s feelings or just create too much chaos.
Now, I logically know this isn’t true, but I think this is why I don’t say no, because I’m too busy trying to be super mom, super wife and super friend, and sadly I feel like I’m failing at all three. Not only that, but I’m failing myself. I’m not putting myself even close to the top of the priority list. And that’s got to change. In short it’s easy to say that we’ll put writing as our priority, but it’s so much harder to do. So I’ve decided to have some rules.
5 Rules to Create Change
1. Control my time. 7-9 am and 3-9 pm are family time where I’m on. From 9-3 it’s my time. (Except for one errand day a week.)
2. Borrow some of Leanne’s attitude. Kids can handle and prosper from being on their own. (Check out her blog Ironic Mom If you can’t laugh at yourself, then laugh at your kids.)
3. For each thing that I do that takes away from writing time, I will have to make up the time elsewhere (like on evenings or weekends). This will be super tough for me, but it might cut down on my ‘errands’ during writing time.
4. Limit internet and phone access during the day. Respond to email at night. Must control my blog reading!
5. I will try not to feel selfish or guilty for guarding my time.
I’m hoping admitting I have a problem is the first step, but I’m going to need help to kick this. Does anyone have any other suggestions or advice? Does anyone else have a similar problem? And if so, how have you dealt with it?
Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom)
Elena Aitken
Trish Loye Elliott
Trish, I had exactly your same issue for most of my early life. I realized somewhere along the line that I was giving myself away in bits and pieces and had nothing left for me. It wasn’t the big things that got me–those were easy to say no to, just because they were big. It was the small stuff that got me, the little tiny favors that seemed so inconsequential that I couldn’t say no; those were the things that added up and finally buried me. I finally understood that I had to be more “selfish” and say no to others to give myself the time I needed. And you know what–no one else had a problem with that! Those times when I cringed at the thought of saying no because someone else would be angry/hurt/crushed? Most of the time my decline was greeted with, “Oh, ok.” Period. No rants, no crying, no wheedling, no blaming. And the best words I ever learned? “That doesn’t work for me.” You owe no one any explanations, no qualifications, no rationalizations, so don’t offer any. Just, “that doesn’t work for me. Maybe another time.” I think you’ll be surprised how easy it is to say no once you get past the fear of repercussions that never come. Good luck!
Thank you for sharing your story here. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. I agree it’s the small things we have to watch out for. They pile up before you know it! I’m going to practice, ‘That doesn’t work for me, maybe another time’. Thanks, Melissa!
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T,
I used to have this problem in a big, bad way. Now, it’s just a small-ish problem.
BUT…don’t feel bad for taking time for you because you can’t be that super mom, super wife, super friend if you’re not happy. It’s the analogy of the cup…
As a mom (wife, friend etc) we are constantly filling up the cup of those around us. Giving, giving, giving. BUT….then what’s left in your cup? Nothing.
If we don’t take the time to fill up our own cup, we have nothing left to give others.
SO…if writing fills your cup. Do it! Because all of your loved ones will benefit if you’re happy.
And like Melissa said, that fear of saying no. It’s just in our head. Treat your writing time sacred. And those around you will to. But if you don’t…no one will.
Hang in there, buddy!
Thanks Elena for the great advice. I think my problem was I didn’t even know I couldn’t say no, until I ended up not having written anything for week after week. Kind of an eye-opener. You’re right that we need to fill our cups. Something I’m going to start working on!
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I find it hard to say “No” too. If you’re under pressure next time and feeling stressed/unhappy, look after yourself first. Might be hard the first few times, but it will get easier.
Thanks Emma. It seems a lifelong struggle for a lot of us to ‘put ourselves first’. It’s good to know that we have friends who understand. Thanks for stopping by.
This is what works for me – not my idea, but cannot remember where I read it … I have to consider my writing as my ‘job’ – as if I had been hired, have to report to work at certain time, am going to get performance reviews and – if I don’t adhere to my work schedule, risk losing my job. None of us would simply not show up for work at 9:00 because a friends wants to have coffee with us. We wouldn’t cancel going to work to wash our walls. We wouldn’t leave work early to re-pot our geraniums. Just as we follow the work rules in order to get paid, I have to follow the writing work rules, if I want to get published and paid. Millions of women work and do all the family stuff and they have to adhere to the schedule. Those who have the luxury of not going ‘out’ to work, still have to adapt their attitude to believe that writing is every bit as important a ‘job’ and not just a hobby we try to fit in when we are in the mood and avoid when we are not in the mood.
Maureen, this is fantastic advice. I too have heard, ‘Treat writing like a job’. But I don’t think I’ve ever really considered what that means and the amount of commitment it entails. Commitment not just for ourselves but also for our families. But you’re right, so many ‘working moms’ (ones who get paid for work), don’t have the luxury of rearranging their schedules to suit others or themselves. I am definitely going to try this. (I feel another blog post coming on!)
Thanks Maureen for stopping by!
I share this problem because I’m always getting involved in too many group things and then I’m left with no time for me. Or when I do get time I use it poorly because I’m tired. You’re definitely not alone in this and now you have a great plan to change your behaviors. Don’t be afraid to adjust as necessary and keep your butt in the chair!
Thanks Jess. It’s good to know so many of us deal with this. I was thinking I was pretty wimpy for a while because I was letting myself be run ragged. Thanks for stopping by and sharing!
Write like it’s a job! WOW…words of wisdom, so obvious, yet why is it so easy to get distracted by the little things in life. I have a full time job, mom job, wife job, and the me job, the writing job gets pushed aside, but I like the advice of write like it’s a job. I can’t carve out that much time, but an hour or so a day…doable. So glad I stumbled here…
Such good advice! I’m already putting it to the test. Even an hour a day will yield great results over time. Thanks for commenting and good luck!
Hi Trish,
Thanks for the post, I’m working my way out of the woods of guilt also and love everyone’s input. I especially like Melissa’s experience that it was easier than she thought it would be. For me, I’m aware of two sticking points: 1) I feel the tug or upset of the other person when I say no, and 2) I tend to say yes more often when I’m not entirely sure about or commited to the next step with my writing projects. For the first issue, sometimes I’m so sensitive that I feel someone else’s feelings as if they are my own. I’m finding success with two new practices:
~ I’m learning to have confidence in others to manage their own feelings and needs. I find this a powerful way to shift my own thinking, and communicate with presence and love even when I need to turn my attention away from what someone else wants. This takes me into a freer state of mind where I usually find time, in some way, to do what I need to do and also be there for others.
~ For more challenging situations, and I’ve been going through one this year, I’m taking to
prayer. I’ll share with you the prayer I’m using, but the essence of it is what’s important. It’s on par with learning to have confidence in the other person, and adds divine intervention. Somehow this takes away the illusion that I’m alone in the situation, and that, in and of itself, feels better. The prayer is known as the Priestly Blessing. Often Rabbi’s and Pastors say this at the end of a service. It’s easy enough to look up on the internet, so I’ll leave it at that if you’re interested.
In both cases, learning to hold the other person in confidence, and saying the blessing, I find my own reactions dissolve. The sense of emotional and mental freedom lasts as long as it does… until the next opportunity to practice comes along. It’s my mental and spiritual work out these days.
As for the second issue… knowing what to do next and showing up for my commitment to the process, that’s a work in progress too. I like your idea of setting the time and turning off the phone/internet. I’ve been doing that and it’s helpful. In fact, it’s time for me to do that right now! Thanks again for the post : )
Thank you, Lori, for your thoughtful comment. I think I will definitely use that advice about having confidence the other person can manage their own needs and feelings. It is freeing! I also hear you about knowing what’s next in the writing process. That’s probably why I found myself in this spot because I’m in a transition between my last project and a new one at the moment. So all those ‘errands’ could just creep in.
Time for me to get offline and get back to work!
Thanks for stopping by, Lori.
I really wrestled with this, too. In my case, I had to take a good hard look at WHY I tried so hard to be super-woman. (For me, it was pride, at least in part.) I also had to acknowledge that if I kept going down the road I was on, I would NOT be where I wanted to be when I got there. Okay, that’s a bit convoluted, lol. But I realized that the super-woman path I was on could lead to burnout, depression, regret, bitterness…all sorts of lovely things. And so not what I wanted. So, yay you for recognizing that you need and want to change something!
I don’t have any great words of advice, but your 5 rules look great. (If it’s of any help, one proverb I taught my family was “if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”, because it was proving true in our household and it reminded us all in a semi-humorous way that Mama needed to take care of herself!)
Supporting you in spirit….
That was long and rambling. I could’ve just said, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy,” and my point would’ve been made. And I call myself a writer…sheesh.
I personally liked the long and rambling!! 😉
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Thanks so much, Shari for your comments. It’s HARD to turn from that superwoman path and let go of the guilt. (I find it especially hard as we move into the Xmas season!) Its a constant struggle to stay true to ourselves. Thanks for stopping by and Happy Writing!
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